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Dave Portnoy Will Be the President of the United States

This will be a publicly debated topic one day, but you're not ready to hear that.


When looking at potential presidential candidates, everyone wants something different. Some people demand a heart of gold, others believe a master negotiator is the most appealing trait. Since 2016, we have seen doctors, scientists, tech-moguls, billionaires, career politicians, and geriatrics all vie for the most powerful position in the world. Somehow, among all this talent, most candidates seem underwhelming. If only there was one man alpha enough to possess all the traits necessary to lead not only America but the entire world, into the future.


Enter Dave Portnoy. American entrepreneur turned playboy multi-millionaire. The man doesn’t compromise, barely has any addictions, and possesses the most sophisticated palette of any homo sapien. He admits when he was wrong because it makes the victories that much sweeter. He turned a local newspaper into one of the largest media corporations in the world and never lost his edge. Most importantly, he is a man of the people. He fights for injustice, whether it’s the restrictions placed on small businesses or the corrupt NFL, Dave is willing to die on any hill.

This month he set up the Barstool Fund to help small businesses in need. Portnoy has been knocking on the doors of concerned citizens and millionaires all across the globe to contribute to his fund to support businesses the government wont. In 12 days he raised nearly 7 million dollars and has saved 22 businesses. As long as Portnoy has been in the public eye, he has been loyal to himself, protected the best interests of those around him, and has become a champion of small businesses. While that may not seem like much, with the presidential candidates they’ve been giving us recently, it’s certainly noteworthy.


So while I am half-joking about President Portnoy, you have to wonder at what point does this become a serious discussion? Trump opened the floodgates for celebrities, and I’d rather have a young pitbull than an 80-year-old career politician. While an ideal candidate would be an emotionally intelligent, forward-thinking, science believing, person who is well educated and always been on the right side of history, that will never happen. Although I hope the ideal candidate arises soon, there’s certainly reason to keep an eye on the man who is saving the backbone of America.