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Lack of Civil War Causes Gun Stocks to Plummet

Turns out murder is good for profit.


The stock market popped off on Monday after Pfizer released promising vaccine news. Any stock worth its weight in crap shot up, and Robinhood investors everywhere finally had a reason to open the app again. In the midst of all the excitement and money being made, one sector was left in the red: gun stocks. Smith and Weston, Vista Outdoor, and Sturm Ruger all fell at least 9% on the day. While it sucks that American businesses are hurting, let’s take a look at why these stocks are one of the few that lost value after the good news.

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There are multiple reasons that gun stocks fell. The first being that a Democratic president with a potential blue senate would push stricter gun laws onto the nation. While this is a fair point, that doesn’t account for the massive drops we saw yesterday. Another reason could be that with a vaccine, time spent outdoors would drop as restaurants, bars, concerts, and all other indoor/group activities become viable again. Certainly another piece of the puzzle, but still not enough to explain the plummeting stock price. As I read this article from Reuters, one quote stuck with me, and suddenly it all made sense.

as civil unrest failed to materialize after Democrat Joe Biden emerged as the winner of last week’s presidential election

And there it is. Gun stocks were riding a high on the hopes that people would kill each other in the streets because their old man didn’t become the most powerful person on Earth. Obviously, whenever disaster strikes there are “opportunists” who turn others misfortunes into their own fortunes. While scummy, it's to be expected, but this is a whole new level of deranged. Willingly betting on the murder of your fellow citizens in hopes to make back a few percent is a new low. If your investments start to fall because the streets of NYC don’t resemble the set of Cloverfield, maybe it’s time to reevaluate. The fact that anyone’s mind immediately goes to murder over politics, disease, or really anything is terrifying. Only a matter of time until I’m in a Subway with one of these guys when his sandwich is made incorrectly.

If you need some help in choosing stocks to invest in, I’ll help you out just this once. There are these two tech companies: Apple and Amazon. You should check them out. I’ve heard that their stock prices might increase. Now if you excuse me, I’ll be buying myself a firearm to protect myself from all these psychos with firearms.