Woman Bites Off Man's Tongue, Seagull Eats It

From a young age I’ve learnt the best method to dealing with psychos on the street is to just ignore them. Now of course I’m dead on the inside and this has translated into me ignoring EVERYONE on the street even if  their intentions are pure. Regardless, it has worked out pretty well for me and I recommend everyone try it. Unfortunately, I’m not in everyone's life so some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Let's take James Mackenzie for example. He’s a Scottish male who went through a life altering altercation back in 2019.

I don’t know much about Scotland, but I imagine most of one's day is spent drinking and cursing, which definitely aligns with this story. He was walking down the street when he passed a woman named Bethany Ryan. Somehow an argument broke out between the two. Beth went to walk away but James kept on chirping as she left. Being the alpha he is, he couldn't live with his manhood shattered. So like any sane man, he balled up his fists and started to approach Beth again. Bethany then turned around, pushed up on his body, and started aggressively making out with him. James being a seemingly desperate bloke went along with this, up until Bethany made her move. She bit a 3 x 2 cm bit of his tongue off. James in shock, spit and saw a piece of his tongue hit the concrete. With comedic timing, a seagull swooped in, swallowed the tongue, and flew away. The doctors could do nothing for James and Beth was arrested.

This was a wild ride. Now a 3 x 2 cm chunk doesn’t sound like a lot, until you realize that’s 1.18 x 0.79 inches in freedom units. As any man can tell you, every inch matters. This guy will never be able to properly speak again. I know Beth was charged with this crime as she should be, but this one is on James. You don't start an argument with a chick then let her get deep enough in your mouth to remove half your damn tongue. And then you spit it out? Like I said, I don’t know much about Scotland but I know a thing or two about seagulls, and those are some hungry bastards.

This is a true lose-lose for everyone involved. Everyone reading this story can take one thing they learned here to heart. As for me? I’ll keep my head down like usual, and never trust an angry blonde chick with a FUPA.