The Hummer Has Returned

Today is a great day to be an American. We have two young, competent candidates duking it out for the presidency, we have the ability to openly enjoy our liberties without fear of disease, and American car manufacturer GMC is bringing back the Hummer. That’s right, the ultimate Chad-mobile is making its return to the streets in 2022. GMC announced today that the Hummer EV will return as a pickup truck. The car is completely electric, boasting 1000 horsepower, 0-60 in three seconds flat, and 350 miles per charge. God damn. Say what you want about Elon Musk; the genius has brought forth a new-era of electric cars.

When I was a child, back before I knew what “compensating” meant, I thought the Hummer was the coolest car on the road. Its blocky shape, massive wheels, and overall stature are what I assumed I needed to become a man. Unfortunately, the brand was canceled amid the recession; turns out gas-guzzlers with a luxury price tag were no longer a viable option. That's why I'm so excited they're coming back. For the small price of $80,000- $112,500 dollars, I can finally purchase my childhood dream car! I’m not exactly sure what GMC was thinking, making a car this expensive. They sit just outside the top 10 brands in annual car sales and I don’t think this will help them much. I suppose this is a long-term investment for them; an attempt to firmly establish themselves as a leader in the electric car race.

The car has a ton of features that make it worthwhile, assuming you either have the money to afford it or are so desperate for attention that you’re willing to take on a seven-year loan. In my opinion, the best feature has to be the crab-walk. The car can drive diagonally thanks to its four-wheel steering feature. As a man who never drives off-road, this is essentially useless, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t an awesome feature nonetheless. You can also remove roof panels to capture that iconic T-top design popular in the 70s and 80s.

The interior of the car doesn't disappoint either, taking after Tesla with the massive screen, big speakers, and overall sleek design. I understand that when designing an expensive car, the interior must exude luxury, but isn't the entire point to make electric cars affordable? I don't need a 65 inch tablet and seats made from top-end leather. Obviously it’s nice, but more reasonable electric vehicles need to go into production soon if we don't want to ruin our only planet. (And no, Elon isn't going to save you with his Mars hobby).

Overall the car is gorgeous and I always knew the Hummer would be back eventually. The SUV model will be released sometime after the pickup EV, and I can’t wait to buy one off of a used-car lot in a decade. GMC, I honestly thought you were out of business, so any news about your company is good news.