The 8 Types of Turkey Bowl Players

1. The high school athlete

Once the MVP of the league, he has yet to realize that his body has changed. The explosive plays have been swapped out with slow runs and demands for timeouts. He’s never had a serious injury in the game before, but you can tell his ACL is hanging on by a thread.

2. Mr. Hangover

Typically a party animal, he’s not thinking about game prep on one of the biggest drinking nights of the year. He’s easily influenced to binge drink, and members of the opposing team take advantage of that. They encourage him to rip shots, funnel, and chug, knowing it will affect his gameplay the next day.

3. The Try Hard

The try hard blitzes every single play. He either counts to seven Mississippi in under three seconds or doesn’t even count out loud. He “accidentally” tackles others and always ends up injuring at least one person every year. His blocks are so aggressive you wonder whether he could walk-on as a lineman at his D3 school. Drop a ball from The Try Hard and you'll feel his wrath.

4. The Body Building Enthusiast

The body building enthusiast always looks shredded year after year. He’s actually more of an intimidation factor than anything else due to his poor cardio and lack of hand-eye coordination. He wears a cutoff and shorts despite freezing conditions and cares more about his pregame pump than winning the actual game.

5. The Fill In

The fill in has zero athletic ability. He’s only there to even the teams, snap the ball (fucks up half the time) and hopefully get carried to a victory. If there are an uneven number of players, you can find the fill in warming the bench in case someone needs to take a breath.

6. The Younger Brother

Still in high school, the younger brother is in much better shape than anyone else on the field. He has speed, elusiveness, endurance, and arguably the best hands out of everyone. He may fly under the radar, but don’t forget about him because he will undoubtedly burn you down the field with some deep balls you wouldn’t even expect Deandre Hopkins to come down with.

7. Mr. Brick Hands

Mr. Brick Hands can’t catch a ball for his life and always apologizes. He’ll either make a pathetic excuse for a drop or say “my bad, I’ll get the next one” and proceed to drop his next target. He’s hardly an adequate receiving option, only to be "targeted" when you need to throw the ball away to prevent a sack.

8. The Kid That’s “Always Open”

Complains about his lack of targets, but doesn’t realize he’s actually covered like a blanket. You try to tell him that he’s not actually open, but you can’t get through his thick skull.

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