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Alphas get in here right now. Send this to the resident simp in your friend group.

Big Tasty

I’ve spent the majority of my life avoiding Twitter. It just seemed like another website filled with memes, politics, and celebrities trying to sell me things. As someone who frequents Reddit daily, I figured I already had my fill. However, as of recent, I’ve decided to dip my toes into the sludge that is Twitter.

Today as I explored the site I realized I could see trending hashtags. (I apologize if it sounds like a boomer is writing this) The #1 trending hashtag was #NoSimpSeptember. Instantly I was hooked. I had finally found a bunch of like-minded individuals who are willing to just fling shit at the wall and see what sticks. I could easily see myself coming up with this trend, so I jumped down the rabbit hole.

It seems others are just as upset about simps as I am. As a man whose friends resemble grandparents while being in their mid-20s, I am no stranger to simping. It is a huge issue within the US and it needs to be stopped before it spreads even further. In a world where the average age of first marriage is now in the 30s, it shocks me how many men act like they are married by 20. Somehow as a society, we have accepted that getting married later is better, so in lieu of a ring they put on a collar at a young age.

What I don't get is how people are even meeting women to simp during this pandemic. Being in the NYC area I haven't seen a woman my age in months. This disease has punished the bachelors and given the simps the throne. Next thing you know The Bachelor is going to be canceled to free up the budget for ABC’s new show “Simp Lords”. Episodes consist of responding to texts instantly, strict bedtimes, and radio silence on the weekends.

Now I want everyone to be aware this isn’t written out of jealousy for those in relationships. This is a desperate plea for the boys to come back home. We all miss you.


If this article has offended you, I’ve got some bad news.