CNN Employee Exposed for "Dishonorable Discharge" During Zoom Call

Jeffrey Toobin was a reporter for the New Yorker and CNN’s Chief Legal Analyst up until this week. Reports have surfaced that while in a Zoom meeting, Jeffrey had the urge to start masturbating mid-call, camera on. Since the incident, he has been suspended by the New Yorker and is currently “on leave” from CNN. A successful career instantly derailed in one moment of solitary passion.

Ever since the world was brought to its knees by the coronavirus, the barrier between work and home has slowly melted for those who can work online. For many people, this means the work-life balance has never been harder to distinguish. It's become acceptable to quickly attend to children mid-day, wear casual attire, and even work your own hours. One thing that has not changed is the ability to jerk off during work meetings. Jeffrey learned this the hard way. Reports state that he had apparently taken another call mid-meeting, tilting his camera down, “accidentally” exposing himself.

I find it interesting how each person has their own approach to web-cams. Some people get their brand new laptop and instantly cover up the lens with a post-it note. Others see their webcam as a way to make money, either by streaming games or exposing themselves to incels. I’d peg this guy right above those who log on to Omegle just to choke the chicken.

I want to believe that this was an honest mistake, but there are just too many sick bastards in this world. After reading some of the stories from the #MeToo movement, nothing will ever surprise me again. This wasn’t some geezer who slipped up, this was a man beating his meat like it owed him money while his employees viewed in disgust. He probably thought he would be able to play it off; now his name is being dragged through the mud. I haven’t seen people this upset about male sexuality since the whole Anthony Weiner fiasco.

Throughout all of this, Mr. Toobin has claimed he thought the call was “muted” and that no one could see him, as if that makes it any better. A lesson to the wise: No need to make the bald man cry in a work meeting. No one cares if you thought the camera was off, doing the five-finger shuffle while listening to your coworkers makes you a creep. The world salivates at the thought of canceling someone, make sure you aren't next.